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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Marena's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 24th, 2002
12:44 am
parting is such sweet sorrow.
the end of this journal.
i have started a new one.
friends only to protect myself.

the new me is stuckinlimbo.
Friday, May 17th, 2002
10:20 am
i'm not even in high school. WTF.
she telling lies. above everything she has ever done against me, this hurts the most. they.belive.her.
ignorance, did they somehow forget who i am?
fuck that. i won't miss this. i won't miss anything.

prom. whatever.

Current Mood: pissed off
10:08 am
ready to be real
Tale of a Tub
by Sylvia Plath

The photographic chamber of the eye
records bare painted walls, while an electric light
lays the chromium nerves of plumbing raw;
such poverty assaults the ego; caught
naked in the merely actual room,
the stranger in the lavatory mirror
puts on a public grin, repeats our name
but scrupulously reflects the usual terror.

Just how guilty are we when the ceiling
reveals no cracks that can be decoded? when washbowl
maintains it has no more holy calling
than physical ablution, and the towel
dryly disclaims that fierce troll faces lurk
in its explicit folds? or when the window,
blind with steam, will not admit the dark
which shrouds our prospects in ambiguous shadow?

Twenty years ago, the familiar tub
bred an ample batch of omens; but now
water faucets spawn no danger; each crab
and octopus--scrabbling just beyond the view,
waiting for some accidental break
in ritual, to strike--is definitely gone;
the authentic sea denies them and will pluck
fantastic flesh down to the honest bone.

We take the plunge; under water our limbs
waver, faintly green, shuddering away
from the genuine color of skin; can our dreams
ever blur the intransigent lines which draw
the shape that shuts us in? absolute fact
intrudes even when the revolted eye
is closed; the tub exists behind our back;
its glittering surfaces are blank and true.

Yet always the ridiculous nude flanks urge
the fabrication of some cloth to cover
such starkness; accuracy must not stalk at large:
each day demands we create our whole world over,
disguising the constant horror in a coat
of many-colored fictions; we mask our past
in the green of eden, pretend future's shining fruit
can sprout from the navel of this present waste.
In this particular tub, two knees jut up
like icebergs, while minute brown hairs rise
on arms and legs in a fringe of kelp; green soap
navigates the tidal slosh of seas
breaking on legendary beaches; in faith
we shall board our imagined ship and wildly sail
among sacred islands of the mad till death
shatters the fabulous stars and makes us real.
Thursday, May 16th, 2002
10:54 am
infernal wednesday
yesterday was not such a good day. for the past three months i've been putting off writing my final paper for american gov't. and well, it's due today and not a word was typed before yesterday. so i wake up at 9:30 am fully hyped to type and my mom starts cussing me out:
"are you such a fucking bitch that you can' ever talk to me?!"
"i have to write a paper."
"that's it, you're going to a shelter- today!"

then she left the house. so i'm thinkin' fuck. i have to repack all of my stuff but i have to write a paper. so i start packing AGAIN for the 50th time. i got a call from andrew, who is suffering from almost equally massive drama at the moment, and he tells me that my mom is at school. interesting. so he comes over and right after i hang up with him, emily calls to tell me my mom is at school. so she and hayden come over. i give them a bunch of stuff that i can't take with me and right as they are walking out the door- my mom comes home. she starts yelling at them, blah blah blah, she thinks that they are moving me out. they ignore her and wait for me at the bottom of the hill. she and i scream and cuss at each other and she reaches for my throat. the one thing you don't do is touch me when i'm pissed. i slapped her like the bitch she is and we got to shovin'. I went into the bathroom and slammed the door in her face. she called the police and said that i was running away. IGNORAMUS.
so after that she calls dana and reports that andrew, emily, and hayden are ditching when in fact they were all excused. then we yell a bit more. then a officer gilmore shows up and NOTHING happens. we tell him what is happening and then he leaves. shit like this has got to be annoying to him. he was really impressed with me, especially since i've already graduated and i'm taking classes at saddleback. anyways, so i call my friends, who went to starbucks, and i leave. so, on the way to emily's house andrew and i see my mom drive by. we assumed she was headed to the same place so we told hayden and emily to meet us at the mall for lunch. turned out she went to the bookstore andrew's dad runs and told him a buch of crap. at this point i still had a paper to write so after lunch hayden, me, and emily went back to her house. they watched eddy izzard(sp?) while i typed. funny funny guy. then hayden left. i kept typing. then andrew came. i kept typing. then andrew left. i kept typing. then we put on the original batman movie. funny funny. then i finished typing at 9:30 pm. it took me twelve hours from the time i began, to write that fucking paper. oye. so then i came home and discovered my mom had gone thru my bags and stolen my valuable vintage camera. i'm really upset about that. cunt. so today is my last final, tomorrow is prom. oh yeah, and while i was typing, mike lamasa (my date) calls and says his dad won't let him go with me unless he talks with my mom and she knows everything that is going on. ARG! so i don't know how that's going to work out. maybe i'm destined to never go to a prom. if she prevents me from going, i swear christ- shit will go down.
alright. enough of this

Current Mood: angry
Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
8:32 am
8:19 am
boring update
saturday, i think, i went to the one acts at dana and they were fabulous. of course. no surprise. talented friends. love all around. i like adam and tessa. just to state the obvious, they are cooler then the 80's. i love talking to him. it all makes sense and reaffirms something that i constantly forget is a part of me.
i want a tattoo and an itty bitty nose ring.
sunday i spent the day and night with andrew. after i got off the worst eight hour shift ever! i didn't see my mother. goooood thing. she's just a necessary evil.
yesterday was filled with lots of prom shopping and hot damn- i'm gonna look good. this is kinda embarrassing but i am so excited for prom/prom night.
imminent good times.
i have a final at noon that i have yet to study for.
oops, i did it again.
Friday, May 10th, 2002
9:27 am
blues clues has a new host and kevyn aucoin has died- there is nothing worth living for now
nawting much is happening right now. once again i'm suspended in the zone between any sort of feeling. my mom and i continue to exchange few, but hateful words. ex:
"if you think emily's mom is so cool why don't you get her to take guardianship of you."
fucking childish. oye. i'm writing a paper on the whole gay adoption thing in florida. the things i've been reading about are so frickin' depressing. speaking of reading, i just finished EXIT TO EDEN by Anne Rice and i recommend it for a fun book. it's soft core. alright i'm hungry.
9:19 am
Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
9:22 am
Where is my Mind?
You're smart, shy, and often nonsensical. You have dreams of being famous, and you're quirky enough that you just might pull them off. Some would call you a genius, others would call you insane, but in reality you're pretty well-adjusted. Take a vacation once in a while- it'll help take your mind off of your troubles.
Which Pixies song are you?
Monday, May 6th, 2002
10:47 am
just when you think things can't get any worse...
...the bag splits open and the groceries spill out.
days run together and i would like that to stop. reflection is impossible no matter how much i try to know what i'm feeling. just go.do.end. that's how i see it. thursday i went to see a fabulous play called far east. yea for asian people. highlight: half naked muscle drummer boy. i came home and realized it didn't want me there. the mullet had changed the locks and hadn't given me a key. the doors were locked. i spent the night at emily's house and the mullet reported me to the police as a runaway.i had to talk to a social worker. the next day i went home to change and the mullet screamed threats at me as i walked down the driveway. reallyreallyintense. i went to see my old high school perform secret garden. so amazing i cried. more then once. even sally honestly loved it. rare. i am so proud of my friends. they have grown up. le sigh. good times good show. i spent the night at sarah's slumber party style. the mullet reported me as a runaway again. i spent most of the next day with andrew and emily. until the mullet started calling emily's mom. colleen is the best:
" i have my own fucking drama i don't need yours."
but she kept calling with the same empty threats so i went home to the house that doesn't want me.emily and andrew drove me and i thought it would be the last time i wuld see them. my heart broke and i've misplaced the pieces. lots of tears. parting in bitter sorrow. i packed my bags and called the 24 hour hotline the social worker gave me. i was going to go to orangewood. and although the mullet keeps telling me she doesn't want me here, she told the social worker on the phone several lies. after that attempt to leave was squandered the mullet came to my room. she asked several versions of why. bitch. fucking leave. the things i said couldn't have been hateful enough.
"i wish i believed in hell because then i'd have the comfort of knowing you're going there." she said my grandma wasn't wiling to take me in. i said she was a liar. i called my grandma and i was right.
exhausted. i called sally and off we went. the mullet tried to stop me. yeah, like that would happen. we had dinner discussed life and it was back to the house that hates. i was called into work at 5:50am and i went. after work i went back to the house on bitch hill and stayed there for a while. sleep.shower.read.paint toenails and off again. with andrew. so glad to see his face. warm fuzzy comfort. didn't want to let go. sigh. chilled at his house for a while in heels and thigh high boots. then off to emily's...off to the spectrum...off to huntington beach to visit gram. it's not delivery. asian bitch lady that rents a room complained about max barking and we watched the british parliment in session and andrew sat like a heterosexual and on to indiana jones and the last crusade. then bye bye love. we talked about batman the entire drive back. return to house of horrors. walked past the mullet and into my room for delicious slumber at last.
and here i am now, without a clue as to what to do next.

Current Mood: contemplative
Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
8:34 am
restoration hardware workers are a bunch of thirysomething gay guys
i'm having troubles with the ex-object of my infatuation. whenever we work together he sings these songs that he makes up about how i broke his heart. and he always compliments me and all i want is for him to treat me like the two new girls. who are into him. which is ironic. i wish i never went there with him. i have very few regrets and that is one of them. but at the time i was telling myself i can't just let another oppurtunity pass me by. geez. he's starting to make me really uncomfortable. it's okay, it's already may, and new york is calling. last night the guy from danger kitty (some commercial) gave me his phone number and wants me to go to his show on saturday. i just might. my mom keeps leaving these notes saying i have to tell her where i am and do chores and blah blah blah honor curfew. i wrote her a note back:
what can she do to me? nada. mucho nada. so tonight i'm going to break curfew again cuz i'm gonna see this show at laguna playhouse. fun times. pretty company. it's all good.

Current Mood: mellow
Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
10:17 am
i spoke to my gramma yesterday and it was unbelievable. i said the loving things i used to say to my mom but with noticeable differences in the way i felt. i truely love my gramma and i am infinitely thankful that she is a part of my life. i can't wait to meet her. she believes the mullet has our telephone bugged. that's not too far fetched. so i got a cell phone.

i am crazy excited that tessa got into amda. i really really really really hope, with my entire being, that she can go. it would make insanely happy.
people going to new york (i think):
me adam tessa:) natalie amy tonya? heather roz
i think that's it.

my therapist canceled on me yesterday because her daughter was really sick. is it bad to lie to the one person you're supposed to trust with the core of your soul? oh well, it's something that has to be done.

thursday and saturday are going to be very good days.
Monday, April 29th, 2002
10:15 am
10:07 am
10:05 am
9:42 am
i had such a wonderful weekend. before work on saturday andrew and i were going to go shopping for prom. but that stopped when i had a sudden desire to shop for groceries. we went back to his house and had a picnic, played national park monopoly, and watched madonna music videos. sunday was equally blissful. after work we went to see the splendid patty o'connell perform in THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST. then we went to his house and again feasted on the fruits of our grocery shopping (there wasn't ACTUALLY any fruit, who buys that stuff anyway?). and then we watched SISTER MY SISTER. lesbian incest. watch out now. emily came and we watched u-turn. accidental incest. it was just that type of day. crazy.

impending therapy appointment. 3:30. don't wanna go.

andrew wants me to pursue this girl we used to know and he wants to pursue this guy we used to know. whats up with the "used to knows"?

nothing further to report about new york. i don't know so i'll wait for tomorrow. and be bored/boring
Friday, April 26th, 2002
11:30 am
and also, i have an eating disorder.
11:27 am
the questions that won't go away
what the fuck am i going to do with myself?
Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
9:27 am
Monday, April 22nd, 2002
9:26 am
so i haven't spoken to my mother in what she says is three weeks, but yesterday it happened. damn her and her endless questions.
good.good.good.good news.
i spoke to a lawyer/ex-cop and he told me to not even bother to go through with the emancipation thing and to just leave. he said that there isn't a damn thing she would be able to do. i should've trusted my uncle more. i'm gonna stay until the end of the saddleback semester
(may 16) so yeah. and prom is the next day so if i still have a date i should go. and then....i dunno yet.

Current Mood: blah
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